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More Dox will be added as i receive more, but for now these are the funny stuff i can offer u for now.
Hope u enjoy these and if u want to send some for this page plz do not hesitate,
your name must be added if you send it over, so i can add it to the doc

1. What would happen if IBM made toasters
2. Constitutional issues
3. The computer nerd page

1. If IBM made toasters

IBM's toaster would be one big toaster complex where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a world-wide market for five, maybe six toasters.

Microsoft would ensure that every time you bought a new loaf of bread, you would have to buy a Microsoft Toaster™. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it. Toaster 95 would weigh 450 Kg, draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 90% of the space in your kitchen (would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your coast to be), and would secretly interrogate your other kitchen appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them anyway, since most of the good bread would only work with them.

Apple's toaster would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but the toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If it were to break, the MacToaster would require a special set of Toaster Tools to open it up. World-wide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread used by advertising agencies would be exclusively toasted in the MacToaster.

NeXT Corporation would make a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning a piece of toast would appear on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. The Sony Toastman would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, and would conveniently be able to be attached to your belt. Cray's Supertoasters would cost R45 million each, but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years. Timex toasters would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. The only problem is that they would only be able to toast a quarter slice at a time.

Of course if toaster factories were government-owned, the latest model would have been designed in 1957, staff at toaster shops would be uncivil, and it would cake six weeks to have a toaster installed. Then if your toascer stopped working after hours, it would cost more than the price of a new toaster co repair. If a private toaster company wanted co set up in South Africa, they would only be able to get a license for cellular toasters - which would only work if you were within a kilometer of a toast-station, and even then your toast would be spotty.

It's just as well that the scenarios here could never happen. Or could they?

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2. The Bill of No Rights

We, the sensible of The World, in an attempt to help everyone get along restore some semblance of justice. avoid any more riots, keep our country safe? Promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional populace.

ARTICLE 1
You do not have the right to a new car, color TV, cellphone or any other form of wealth. More power to you, if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE 2
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you. You may leave the room, change the channel, put the magazine down, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE 3
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you cut off a limb with a power tool, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE 4
You do not have the right to free food and housing. We are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE 5
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, the government is just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE 6
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

ARTICLE 7
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE 8
You do not have the right to a job. AII of us want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and affirmative action laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE 9
You do not have the right to happiness. Being a citizen means that you have the right to pursue happiness -which, by the way, is a lot easier If you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by chose around you who were confused by the constitution.

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3. You may be a computer nerd if…

If you introduce your wire as "[email protected]"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
If you want a 40X CDROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATK
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 4S6DX-50.
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a lest that actually lakes live minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment - and you do.
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasiurn with your Science Fair project.
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have more keys than your kids.
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your 1. Q. number is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no " = " key and know what "RPN" stands for.
If your father sat two inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your checkbook always balances.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of' Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what "http" stands for.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your four basic food groups are:
- Caffeine
- Fat
- Sugar
- Chocolate

(Donor: Rob Saville)

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